Life is so much easier if you get along with the people around you. It makes the good times sweeter. Conversely, it helps you get through the bad times with a little less pain. Creating those positive connections seems to happen without any real action. However, you are almost certainly aware of those people who’ve been in your life a while, yet the connection is still not there. It all comes down to rapport. It’s a skill you have. You build rapport without realising it. It is, though, something you can learnt to do. Building rapport to become better.
Of all the skills you can learn, building rapport is one of if not the most important skills that you can learn. Rapport is the ability to relate to others in a way which creates trust and understanding. It inspires confidence and if you have rapport, relationships, personal, professional, and intimate, become deeper. Consequentially, you are able to share and work on what really matters. In other words, you’re able to move from the superficial to the profound.
Obviously, as I mentioned earlier, it’s something you do naturally. We like to build those connections, and we like to build relationships with people like us, and who like us.
Building rapport can, however, take time. That’s fine in many situations as those relationships follow their course. But, and it’s a big but, there are times when it would really help to speed up the process. Magically, there are steps you can take to do so.
There are three parts to rapport; matching and mirroring, active listening, and sensory acuity.
Matching and mirroring is simply matching and mirroring the body language, the words, the language, the tonality of the other person. Critically, it’s not about becoming a carbon copy. Crucially, it’s about matching and mirroring without it being obvious what you’re doing.
Adopt the same sitting posture. Use some of the same gestures. Repeat words and phrase that the other person uses. Adjust your voice tone. Speak at the same or similar speed. All examples of matching and mirroring. And, when you observe others, just notice how much this happens.
Those in rapport often sit in the same away. One person moves and the others eventually follow suit. Words are repeated and used. People tend to speak in similar tones and at similar speeds. There is a sense of synchronicity.
Active listening also forms an essential part. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, if you’re really listening, you pick up on recurring words and phrases, and how and when they’re used. This helps with the matching and mirroring. You get to really understand what the other person is telling you. Astonishingly, the questions and comments that you want to make seemingly form without you having to think. This is your unconscious at work.
Secondly, there is something really special about having the undivided attention of another person. Seriously, take a moment to think about when you’ve been in that situation, and how rarely it happens. All too often we listen, waiting for a break where we can say what we want to say. Again, seriously, take a moment to think about how often this happens.
I remember being part of a conversation where a colleague was talking about an upcoming holiday. They were flying long-haul for the first time. Understandably, they were very excited. As they talked about their plans, another colleague jumped in during the first available moment. They launched into a list of must-dos, things they had done when they visited the same place. Suddenly, it was all about them. The excited colleague was suddenly deflated, realising that at least one of the people present was not really interested in them at all.
It reminded me of the importance of rapport and active listening. Fail on the active listening test, and you lose rapport.
Finally, the third part of building rapport is sensory acuity. Sensory acuity is the ability to consciously understand the unconscious responses of another person. And we are all making unconscious responses to the world around us at all times. It is hard work to supress those responses, which is the reason for it being so important to understand them as they can tell us so much about what is going on for the other person.
The important consideration here, though, is being aware of those responses consciously. Because we do recognise the unconscious responses of others except, of course, we do it unconsciously. It’s the reason we get a sense of people being happy, unsure, delighted, deceitful, because our unconscious mind is recognising the signs. We’re just not always great at deciphering the symbolic messages from our unconscious, so if we can become consciously, rather than just unconsciously, aware, the more we will understand.
I’ll be talking more about sensory acuity on another occasion. It really matters and it’s another skill that you can learn.
So, think about those around you and the rapport that you already have. Additionally, think about those relationships where you wish you got along better. If nothing else, you now know what rapport is, and you can start to work on it.
It’s the subject of my most recent podcast which you listen to here (or on your usual podcast provider – find me on Spotify, Amazon, YouTube and Apple Podcasts).
If you know what to do next, do it now. If you’re not sure, book an initial consultation here, and then take the next step. You know that you can do it, and you know that it makes sense, don’t you?
