We mostly know that lying is wrong. Additionally, we mostly know that the odd white lie is acceptable. Indeed, it’s those white lies that keep our relationships on something of an even keel. And I was wondering about lying given that at this time of year, those of you with young children will be making up stories about Santa Claus and his magical journey at Christmas time. Spoiler alert! Because the whole story, the fiction, is all part of the seasonal story and for many a delightful part of growing up. It got me wondering. Does it matter if you lie, and who loses out if you lie to yourself?
One of the presuppositions of NLP is that behaviour and change are to be evaluated in terms of context and ecology. In other words, any gains that you make in the process of change need to be good for all around you. If you’re lying to gain for yourself at the expense of others, that would be seen as negative. However, as with the white lie, you’re doing this to keep things moving smoothly, avoiding unnecessary confrontation and ideally keeping everyone happy. Indeed, I would suggest that those white lies are an essential part of our social interaction.
It all falls apart when the lies are covering up an unpleasant truth that you want to avoid. You create a lie, you avoid the conflict, and you move on. Unfortunately, you are now stuck with the lie. Consequently, you sometimes find yourself creating more lies to support the first lie. The fabrication grows and grows. Eventually, it all unravels, and you and the lie are exposed.
Worse still, the truth remains covered, unspoken and unresolved. Festering. And the longer you leave it, the worse it gets.
Worst of all, the truth can rear its ugly head at the most unhelpful of times. This can leave you having to address something at a time not of your choosing, putting you on the back foot, and very much at effect rather than at cause.
The big question, though, is if it matters if you lie to yourself. You may find that you do it a lot. Telling yourself that everything is OK. Additionally, you tell yourself that you are OK, when you are not. Further to this, you kid yourself that you are in control. Furthermore, you can lie to yourself about the very obvious signs that life is spiralling out of control.
You may also lie to yourself about what you can and cannot change. Firstly, you lie about not having time. Secondly, you lie about putting others first. Thirdly, you lie about what your priorities are. In reality, they’re all handy excuses for avoiding change. Because change is scary.
Obviously, the only loser when you lie to yourself is you. Eventually, though, others lose out as you find yourself resenting what you’re doing compared to what you’d really like to be doing.
Maybe 2025 is the year to be honest with yourself. Work out what really matters to you and what you want for yourself. It’s OK to be selfish from time to time. If you can do it for yourself, do it now. If you’re not sure, book an initial consultation here, and then take the next step. You know that you can do it, and you know that it makes sense, don’t you?