A starting point in NLP are the presuppositions. They are a set of beliefs which, if you adopt them, support you to communicate more effectively, assist you as you grow and develop, and allow you to become more flexible in your approach and behaviour. The presuppositions are not factually true. They are, though, a way of thinking, a way of acting, and a way of being. That said, it raises the question; can fourteen simple steps really make a difference?
Firstly, let’s start by considering what the presuppositions are. Earlier, I said that there are fourteen, and this is what they are.
- Respect for the other person’s model of the world.
- Behaviour and change are to be evaluated in terms of context and ecology.
- Resistance in a client is a sign of a lack of rapport. (There are no resistant clients, only inflexible communicators. Effective communicators accept and utilise all communication presented to them)
- People are not their behaviours.
- Everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources that have available. (Behaviour is geared for adaptation, and present behaviour is the best choice available. Every behaviour is motivated by a positive intent).
- Calibrate on behaviour. The most important information about a person is that person’s behaviour.
- The map is not the territory. (The words we use are not the event or the item they represent)
- You are in charge of your mind and therefore your results.
- People have all the resources they need to succeed and to achieve their desired outcomes. (There are no un-resourceful people, only un-resourceful states)
- All procedures should increase wholeness.
- There is only feedback (There is no failure, only feedback)
- The meaning of communication is the response you get.
- The law of requisite variety. (The system/person with the most flexibility of behaviour will control the system)
- All procedures should be designed to increase choice.
It’s quite a list, and I’m guessing that there are some that already you’re wondering about. So, let’s look at them in turn.
When we talk about respect for the other person’s model of the world, this is simply about accepting that other people are who they are. Crucially, you don’t have to agree with them. Indeed, you may hold completely opposite views, values and beliefs. That’s your world. Their world is theirs. Respect it. Importantly, it’s about understanding that it’s how they see and experience the world. It may help explain how they behave, where conflict arises, and what challenges lie ahead.
Thinking about how behaviour and change are to be evaluated in terms of context and ecology, we cannot see behaviour and change in isolation. Essentially, you have to understand the situation, the motivation and the desired outcome. Only then can you assess what’s happening. Seemingly random choices can suddenly make sense. And, specifically, when thinking about ecology, we’re looking at how it’s a win-win all around. Their gain is not your loss. Everyone’s a winner.
Much is written and said about rapport. When working with people, in any capacity, resistance in a client is a sign of a lack of rapport. In essence, the better we get along with people the more likely we are to succeed. Critically, it goes beyond the superficial. There has to be real, genuine trust. Think about it for a moment. Think about the people you really get on with. Those you work well with. People you like spending time with. There’s always rapport. And, if there isn’t, work on it.
When we talk about people not being their behaviours, it’s important to remember that we are all so much more than what we do. What we do is what we do in any given moment. The one behaviour in one moment which we do not like, does not define the person. It may certainly affect how you see other people, particularly those who in your view have done terrible things. However, if you can look beyond the behaviours, it allows you to understand the person and respect their model of the world.
Interestingly, the notion that everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources that have available tends to cause some discussion. What this presupposition is suggesting is that in any given moment, we are all doing the best we can in that moment. Obviously, you will be aware of times when you and others have not given 100%. You’ll be able to recall moments when you and others were giving, at best, second best, if that. The critical consideration is in that moment that was the best you could do. You had nothing more to give.
Importantly, it does not justify the second-rate actions. However, it does encourage you to be kinder to yourself and others. Explore what’s going on for you. If you can, seek to understand what’s happening for others. See what a difference it makes.
Words are really easy. How often do you say what others want to hear? Conversely, how frequently do others tell you what you want to hear? That’s why it’s essential to calibrate on behaviour. What you do, and what others do, is a far greater guide as to what is really happening. And, honestly, how often have you seen people say one thing and do something completely different? It’s the actions that count!
When we say that the map is not the territory, this is about understanding that the words people use are not always what they mean. A table is a table, and sunny means that the sun is out. If you’re weird, though, is that good or bad or something else? And when you describe something as “interesting”, what do you really mean? Essentially, it’s important to check on what people are saying to ensure that what they say is what they mean. And, are you meaning what you say?
Absolutely, you are in charge of your mind and therefore your results. Only you can make it happen. No-one else. Make no plan, take no action, and you will go exactly nowhere.
Again, the notion that people have all the resources they need to succeed and to achieve their desired outcomes, often causes some consternation. There are days when you effortlessly make it happen. There are other days when everything feels like an impossible chore. It’s simply about the state in which you find yourself. Additionally, it links to the concept of everyone doing the best that they can with the resources that they have available. It’s about understanding that some days we can, and other days less so. It’s information. That information may lead us to behave differently and behave differently to others.
Basically, everything you do should make you more. This is what all procedures should increase wholeness means. As you go through life, learning, developing, growing, experiencing, you should feel more like you. The you that you want to be. If your actions, or the actions of others, feel like you’re being reduced or diminished in some way, it’s time to take action and regain control.
If we could do away with the concept of failure, treating everything as feedback, what would you do differently? What holds us back is the fear of failure. So, take action. Make progress. If you get to where you want to be, celebrate. However, if you get to somewhere other than where you want to be, use this as feedback. What worked and what do you need to change? Suddenly, new focus appears and you can move forward.
Truthfully, the meaning of communication is the response you get. If you get a response which seems out of kilter with what you were saying or asking, focus on your communication. Reframe your question. Reword what you said. Master the skill of precision. The onus is on you.
The law of requisite variety makes it clear that the greater flexibility that you show, the greater your results. It really is that simple. If you run with what is happening around and to you, dealing with setbacks and successes, ready to change course when needed, you are likely to achieve far more. Rigidity gets you nowhere.
Finally, all procedures should be designed to increase choice. Everything you do should open up more options, even if those choices shut down some opportunities. If your actions bring you greater choice, you’re winning. If not, it’s time to take action.
The question, then, was if fourteen simple steps can really make a difference. I believe that they can. If you are willing to be flexible, accept that not everything works out first time, and take charge of your actions, then you are more likely to succeed. Furthermore, understanding that you and others are not always are your best allows you to be kinder and understand yourself better. Taking responsibility for your actions and how you communicate makes a difference. Using every action to make you more and increase your choices can only be good. Seeking deeper connections and understanding meaning makes you better at building relationships that matter.
Only you can decide the next steps. If you know what to do, do it now. If you’re not sure, book an initial consultation here, and then take the next step. You know that you can do it, and you know that it makes sense, don’t you?
